Boden balaclava-clad mums have today kidnapped Prime Minister Boris Johnson and are believed to be holding him in a high-security play pen until he accepts that he is a lying four-lettered c-word.
Unable to use the c-word because there might be children around, the mums crept up on the Prime Minister during what was an unusually hostile interview. The Prime Minister had gone along to Mumsnet Towers expecting to be asked the usual questions about biscuits and how many children he might have, but found himself poked in the eye with an organic carrot-flavoured wotsit and asked why he’s such a Sugar-Honey-Ice-Tea.
The mum believed to be the ringleader, DrinkingProseccoOutofaMug, told reporters outside Mumsnet Towers that the Prime Minister has been “a very naughty boy” and that it’s for the best that he learns his lesson.
While the PM is incarcerated in this Mumsnet-approved Mothercare playpen, available for £89.99 online only with free delivery – buy it now using this link from Mumsnet, the nation can breathe easy. Women everywhere can be assured that they will not be impregnated and unless our demands are met, we will continue to hold the Prime Minister under arrest.
Insiders at Mumsnet say that the Prime Minister is being subjected to organic Morrocan aubergine baby food and that he constantly has a mobile above his head playing nursery rhymes, a form of torture that Mumsnetters are known for.
International hostage expert Dr. Kingsley Veritable-Wedge told the Daily Shame that the PM would be “worried for his own safety” right now, given the intelligence that he would have seen about Mumsneterrorists, as they are called.
I’d be amazed if the PM hadn’t gone into that interview with the maximum security available to him. Mumsneterrorism has been high on the agenda for the British Intelligence Services ever since they took Gordon Brown into a headlock over his erroneous choice of favourite biscuit. It took his security team over half an hour to prise him free. What’s likely to happen next is that they move onto the next phase of operations – reading Biff and Chip books to him until he submits, and then – the most worrying phase – practising controlled crying.
Veritable-Wedge added that security forces had been monitoring a number of Mumsneterrorists over the last few months including one who had threatened to “stick Priti Patel’s head in my baby’s potty until she breaks” and another who had told her forum friends that she would like to “stick Michael Gove in a high chair and fling shit in his face.”
It is believed that the government is trying to recruit the services of Philip Schofield as negotiator, something the mums of Mumsnet welcomed wholeheartedly.
Loosewomenwithacuppa said “I do hope they send Scho-Scho to negotiate, I’d love to ruffle his grey hair,” while Babypukeinshoes told her forum friends that “I’d down my AK47 and bow down to Big Phil if they send him. But Boris isn’t going anywhere until he admits that he’s a lying four-lettered c-word.”