Horrified viewers today took to social media after witnessing Grant Shapps dance naked in front of Richard Madeley and Susanna Reid, with some accusing him of attempting to distract them from the imminent release of the Sue Gray report.

The presenters initially believed that Shapps was “doing the rounds” to assure viewers that the Prime Minister was not at a party, was not drinking, did not inhale, has already apologised and would not be resigning, but it is thought that the government’s line of defence for Mr Johnson has already been shelved, and they have now moved into a different, more entertaining phase.

When Mr Shapps started to strip, at first Richard Madeley appeared interested:

Sitting back and telling his obviously shocked co-host Reid that they should “let this play out”, Madeley started ‘bopping to the beat’ of Shapps’ ghetto blaster, which he had brought with him.

Please make this stop, yelled Reid, as Shapps went into a full on strip, baring his cheeks to the camera and moaning suggestively: “do you want me to lapdance for you?” while Madeley roared him on.

Once the routine had finished, Susanna Reid puffed out her cheeks and asked Mr Shapps whether the dance was to distract people from the Sue Gray report or the cost of living crisis, at which point Mr Shapps, as he is called today, bent over and slapped his bottom, calling himself a very naughty boy at which point GMB went to adverts and Richard Madeley poured some ice cubes down his pants.

Shapps is not the only Conservative MP doing the rounds this morning in an attempt to move the agenda on from the report & the cost of living crisis.

Robert Jenrick was on BBC Breakfast this morning announcing that he would be the next Doctor Who:

A clearly confused Dan Walker stared open-mouthed at the camera while Jenrick told viewers that instead of fighting the evils of socialism, he would instead be facing off against the Daleks and the Cybermen.

Yes, I can announce that I am the new Doctor. I want you to stop talking about Sue Gray and talk about me instead. Yes, I’m going to be the new Doctor Who. I’ve watched Doctor Who since I was a small child and this is a dream of mine and frankly all this conversation about Partygate, we’ve all moved on. I think the public have moved on, and you need to stop talking about it. Talk about this instead. Doctor Who. Me. Robert Jenrick. I’m the Doctor.

Only the Guardian, it seems, was taken in by Jenrick’s ploy, with an article by Saffron Buttermilk-Sawalha bemoaning Jenrick as just another white man in a blue box, which was promptly taken down.

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