A worried Michael Fabricant today sent his hair to “reserve a spot” for him in Parliament.

The Tory MP joked nervously on Twitter about ensuring that he would be present in Parliament at PMQs today so that he wouldn’t be identified as a suspected rapist.

Fabricant gave his hair £20 and sent it on the first train out of Lichfield this morning where it boarded the 07:35 and purchased a coffee and a Greggs sausage roll.

According to people on the train out of Lichfield this morning, the hair was ‘chatty’ and ‘not at all rapey’ which led many to suspect that it wasn’t Fabricant anyway that had been arrested.

The hair apparently appeared “quite excited”, and one passenger said:

I suspect the hair hasn’t travelled alone before, and is quite used to his owner transporting him around. He almost got off a couple of stops too early and seemed very relieved when we said we’d look after him and make sure he got on the right tube.

Eventually, the hair was leading the conversation in the carriage, and other passengers recall the hair leading in a singalong, not something the Lichfield-London commuters are used to, but one that they will doubtless remember fondly.

At approximately 11:15 this morning, Michael Fabricant’s hair entered the Houses of Parliament, nodding to the ushers along the way and jumping in a spritely manner onto the benches where it intended to reserve a place for its owner. According to onlookers, the hair “flicked through the pages of the Metro it had taken this morning, tutted and left it on the bench behind for someone else to read” before settling down for a quick snooze.

Michael Fabricant arrived approximately an hour later to an excited hairpiece that bounced up and down at the sight of its owner. He fed it some smarties and popped it back on his bald head before gently drifting off to sleep himself.

Online forums have been abuzz about Michael Fabricant’s hair, with some posting sightings of the hair as far away as Blackpool beach, where the hair was allegedly enjoying a donkey ride while its owner was away doing something else entirely legal.


Get The "News" In Your Inbox

Be the first to know when something completely fake happens

We don't spam. We don't sell emails. We just make things up & send them to you.