It appears that the driver of the 10:38 from London Paddington had not been informed that her majesty The Queen was to appear on the platform this morning. Leaving at the scheduled departure time of five minutes later than advertised, the driver left the monarch stranded as she exited her limousine. As cries went out for the train to stop, her majesty leapt into action, sprinting down the platform, swerving to avoid other commuters and yelling obscenities as if she were any normal, humble commuter.

As the train pulled out of the station, she jogged to a standstill, set her dress straight and looked around sheepishly, shrugging “well, one will catch the next one, won’t one.”

A frenzied retinue tried to keep up with the Queen and later admitted that the 96-year-old is in “spectacularly good shape, considering…”.

Only last week, Queen Elizabeth failed to attend the State Opening of Parliament due to ill health, sending her crown instead, along with her eldest and least illegal son. But a packed schedule, including the opening of the Elizabeth line, has raised eyebrows.

This afternoon, the Queen has a full cardio session booked in at PureGym Windsor, where her personal trainer, Carlo, is expecting her to ‘go for it’ and ‘smash it for England’.

She comes in here every week. Sometimes it’s weights, sometimes it’s the running machine. Gawd bless her, she’s an absolute monster on peloton.

Tomorrow, the monarch will be watching the horse racing and has actually booked herself as jockey for the 3:25 at Ascot, and she will then be taken by helicopter to Standlake Arena in Oxfordshire where she is driving a banger around an oval racetrack in a race against James May.

The former Top Gear presenter said he was “really looking forward” to racing against The Queen and said that he would be doing her “no favours whatsoever”. The two are scheduled to drink gin into the small hours.

Royal insiders have privately insinuated that the Queen is, in fact, marvellously fit and well and her absence from last week’s State Opening of Parliament was down to the fact she thinks all politicians are cunts.

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