Jeremy Hunt today offered to fix the mess that is Jeremy Hunt. Apologising for the last 55 years of Jeremy Hunt and appearing to take no responsibility for the calamitous period that has taken place since his birth, Jeremy Hunt said that only he could fix Jeremy Hunt.

I am the man to take Jeremy Hunt forward. When I took charge of Jeremy Hunt at my birth, I inherited an absolute mess. Well, OK, I inherited an awful lot of money as my father was Sir Nicholas Hunt and my family owned a lot of land. But I was a babbling baby. I couldn’t even talk. But look at me, when I was 4 years old, I had learned how to talk and could even write a few words, with absolutely no help whatsoever from anyone else.

Launching his new book, “Going Forward Together With Jeremy Hunt”, he pledged to modernise Jeremy Hunt for the 21st century. At a launch party yesterday, he told reporters that he would be casting aside the old Jeremy Hunt for which he was not really responsible, and causing far fewer deaths, suicides and despair wherever he goes.

He also mentioned that he would be causing less mess in his own home, and projecting a Jeremy Hunt that the nation could be proud of.

“I want to be a modern, levelled-up, forward-thinking Jeremy Hunt,” he proclaimed, beaming as he held up a copy of his wretched book. “I think the old Jeremy would have perhaps been a little reckless and irresponsible, but the new Jeremy, this Jeremy, the only Jeremy you should listen to and think about, is here to fix things and make Jeremy Hunt the very best Jeremy Hunt he can be.”

When quizzed about the junior doctors’ strike or the chronic under-staffing in the NHS when he was Health Secretary, Hunt waved away the answer saying “yes, yes, that was the old Jeremy. What I’m saying is that the only person who can fix anything, including myself, is Jeremy Hunt.”

He went on to add that his Jeremy Hunt project has been fully costed and the taxpayer would be “delighted” to ensure that the nation has a fit-and-proper Jeremy Hunt, as opposed to one that would be held responsible for a general state of disrepair and despair.

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