An embattled Nick Ferrari today attempted to hold back the tears on his morning call-in on LBC Radio as he told his readers that he now identified as a person of colour.

The winner of Gammon Of The Year for the last three years running had to wipe the salty tears from between his chops as he admitted that he had been wrestling with his conscience over whether to come out of the closet and identify as a red man to the world or not.

I told my wife last night. And I’m telling you, the world, now, that I – Nick Ferrari – am a red man. I identify as red. I do not know my pronouns, but I do know that as a red man, I am a minority ethnic person and I wish to be respected as such.

The Society of British Red Men today welcomed Nick Ferrari to its ranks, proclaiming that its members are often abused and demeaned by elements of society and deserved protected status.

Leader of the SBRM, Barry Opportunist, called a clearly grateful Ferrari this morning and told viewers:

These are beautiful words, Nick. Beautiful words. You have advanced the cause of the red man today, let there be no doubt. People look down upon us red men. They mock us. They see our red faces and they see our red hands and they laugh. They call us ‘gammon’ or ‘wanker’ but the truth is, we are red. We should be proud of our redness. We should claim it.

The SBRM organises a number of rallies for red men, as well as special counselling sessions for red men who feel that they have been ‘let down’ or ‘abused’ by woke society. In one of their sessions, “How to copy with lefty teasing”, red men are taught how to respond to such taunts by “turning their back”, “covering their ears and shouting nur nur nur nur nur”, and “deliberately accusing them of doing what you’ve already done yourself so that they’re dragged down to your level.”

Ferrari refused to be drawn on what shade of red he identified as. According to the SBRM, all shades of red are welcome, including:

  • Enraged Pink
  • Concerned Crimson
  • Mardy Magenta
  • Moody Maroon
  • Stoned Scarlet

As a self-declared red man, Ferrari says that he is now fighting for the rights of red men for a permanent position on the Question Time panel, although when a listener pointed out that there is always a red man on the panel, he accused them of being reddist and cut the call off before resuming an attack on Keir Starmer.

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