Dominic Calvert-Lewin has told Vogue magazine’s many Everton supporters that he has been possessed by the spirit of Eastenders’ Dot Cotton. Puffing on his twentieth cigarette of the morning, Calvert-Lewin told Vogue that Dot Cotton’s spirit visited him in the night after the recent game against Newcastle.

If I were going to be possessed by any spirit, it would have to be Dot Cotton. The cardigans. The handbags. She’s got it all.

Calvert-Lewin has been refusing to take part in training at Everton’s training ground Finch Farm after claiming that his back was hurting after a hard day’s shift at the launderette, and instead sat chatting with the tea ladies in the canteen about how his son had nicked off with his retirement fund.

Manager Frank Lampard told reporters

Haha, yeah it’s fantastic isn’t it, you know, that young men these days are able to express their individuality by being possessed by fictional soap stars. No, but seriously, it pisses me off and he’s out of the team for another two weeks due to a hacking cough.

To celebrate his corporeal possession, Calvert-Lewin has launched his own Dot Cotton line of clothing for “the person, regardless of gender, who lives and breathes the launderette lifestyle”.

Dominic Calvert-Lewin is set to miss this Sunday’s game against Leicester because he “had a fall” last week and besides, Sunday is for church anyway.

Some Toffees were quick to assert that Calvert-Lewin is merely manoeuvring to get a transfer away from Everton to West Ham by impersonating the East Londoner.

Former Everton manager David Moyes was quick to deny any rumours:

Aye, of course if the lad wants to integrate into East London culture, then he’s more than welcome, but getting yourself possessed by the spirit of Dot Cotton may be taking it too far. Then again, the boy Benrahma has been selling fruit and veg on the market for the last 6 months and Kurt Zouma speaks in nothing but cockney rhyming slang.

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