In a bid to revive his flagging ratings, Piers Morgan has turned on his one viewer, a Mr Hugh Jass, and invited him to a one-on-one bout of fisticuffs outside the Talk TV Offices, wherever the hell they are.
Morgan yelled at his viewer this morning:
Come on Jass, I know you’re watching. Think you’re hard, do you? Think you’re hard sat there with your cup of tea and your pathetic slice of toast. I’ll take you on, Hugh Jass. I’ll take you down.
Mr Jass told the Daily Shame that he was quite “taken aback” by Mr Morgan, and he had only written to Talk TV to comment on how much he was enjoying the show.
I’m a big fan of Piers, so it was quite a shock, I can tell you. I wasn’t even in the room at the time.
Morgan had to be visibly restrained by his henchmen as he took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves, frothing at the mouth as he challenged Jass live on air. When informed that Hugh Jass may have been a made-up name, Morgan became more irate, screaming:
I don’t care if you’re my only viewer, Jass, or whatever your name is, I’m going to knock your bloody lights out.
Jass claimed that he was so spooked by Morgan’s behaviour that he turned the television off and watched a recording of yesterday’s Lorraine, or something, to take his mind off the threat of an angry Piers Morgan trying to knock his block off.
Losing Jass meant that Piers Morgan’s new talk show, whatever it’s called, had zero viewers. Jass was the last man standing after a couple from Jaywick in Essex suddenly died of old age although the post-mortem hasn’t entirely ruled out aggravated boredom. The loss of the old couple from Jaywick was a tough blow to Morgan’s self-esteem and his crumbling credibility. Having hailed his new show a raving success with more than twenty viewers on its first day, Morgan was strutting around the set with a new-found confidence.
But that confidence was to be crushed when he learned his only viewer was a Hugh Jass.
Insiders on the show believe that the Hugh Jass fight is a sign of desperation. One crew member told the Daily Shame:
Piers was telling me this morning that if he doesn’t get more than 5 viewers, he’s going to do something crazy. Like rip his shirt off and beat his chest like a gorilla, or light twenty pound notes live on air while belching the National Anthem, except that it wouldn’t be God Save The Queen, it would be God Save Gary Lineker. I asked my mum if she could watch, just to boost the ratings numbers, but she said she was waxing her nostrils.